Lately I've been feeling like.I.Just.CAN'T.Do.This.
I find myself yelling more than I ever have before. The littlest thing has been stressing me out.
And so I ask myself, is this the accumulation of emotional energy after three years of non stop stay at home parenting? Maybe. I feel like I'm turning into a person I don't like very much.
I am not that calm, relaxed, easy going mum I was not so long ago when this all started and I was telling myself...wow, this is new, this is fun...I'm loving this. Little did I know...days turn into weeks that turn into months that turn into long years and as fast as it all spins us by, it still feels sooo looong....the routine....the same old every .single.day
I also feel like I'm just not getting anything done lately, just about keeping my head above water.
Treading as fast as I can.
Running my photo business is certainly a breath of fresh air and gets my creative juices flowing, but it's just adding to the stresses of my long days. My to do list grows. And grows. My kids are needier than ever. They fight. They are always hungry. And thirsty. And cold. Or too hot. They have both decided they love to climb on top of me at every available opportunity. I am constantly needing to be imaginative and find new entertaining things for them to do when sometimes all I want to do is close my eyes and think.
I mean, if I distance myself from the emotional effects it has on me, I'd laugh. But to be honest the truth is I find myself wanting to cry. I'm tired. SOOO tired. I'm lucky if I get a full 9 hours of sleep at least twice a week. The remainder is ssshhing one or the other back to sleep at 1am, 3am, 5am...
I miss being me. That free spirit I used to be....I know she's still in there, that she's just taken another step higher on this crazy journey but I do pine for her at times.
I miss dancing to my favourite tunes with no one around to tend to. I miss taking forever to get ready in the morning, making my hair look its best rather than the knotty mess it finds itself in most days...
I miss spending time to shop for JUST me rather than just for the kids. I miss looking after me. Making myself something yummy to eat rather than eat the leftovers 3 days running...
I know these are all very superficial things but it's the simple things in life that keep you going I think. Those simple pleasures that make the day worthwhile...
The quiet moments of peace to relish in. Oh the peace and quiet, how I miss thee.
I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, most days I do just get on with it and try to be as patient and loving and accepting as I possibly can and I do have fun and I do laugh despite it all. But it's just been harder than ever lately. Add to the mix I'm an "expat" living a million miles away from family. I miss my parents and family so much it hurts. And England. I still haven't met my nephew who's 1 year and a half now.
I've got used to living here now and have firmly laid my hat on Chilean soil but there's still that niggling feeling within. The what ifs. The little uncomfortable thoughts about what living here "forever" truly would entail..., thinking of the future, mine and that of my children. Do we really want to live here forever? Can I live with the fact that I will rarely see my parents/family again?
The good news of the week is that my little boy has started nursery in the mornings now along with Maia. I finally have a couple of hours to myself every day so yes that has been a welcomed and much needed break for me. Woohoo. So, hopefully this mama will feel herself unwinding a little more again, feeling like herself again. And dancing to her favourite tunes.
I am all about counting my blessings. And yes we do have many of course. There's no doubt about that.